Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
