You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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