I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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