He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
