The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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