Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
