im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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