Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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