How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
