someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
