i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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