He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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