why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
