oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
