It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
