just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
