I can tuck mytits in my pants
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
