i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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