I will die if light touches me.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
