saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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