shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
