I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
