Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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