Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
