I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
