remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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