Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
