I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
