I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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