next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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