So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
