Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
