im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
