the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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