i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
