I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
