Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
