all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
