Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
This house was built for laser tag.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
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