I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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