I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
