I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I stole a fireplace last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
