Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
