Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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