I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
