Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
