why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how drunk are you?
Several
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
