if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
