If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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