What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
