does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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