i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
