Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
