Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
