Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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