in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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