i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
