I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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